Sorry 2008 (part 1)

This writing is dedicated to a great friend of mine that puts up with a severe personality syndrome. To all that is hurt, in pain, or broken hearted. To everyone that still struggling on this very new year. I decided to just use first person p.o.v to hinder it from any possible issues.

I can laugh, I can yell, I can switch all lights on to make my room the brightest it can be; I can scream, I can put my headphone and turn the pod the loudest it could….But when everything stops, when I turn them all off soon before I go to sleep…..Its only darkness and silence that still left, its only the cold winter air and the lose sleep of tomorrow that last....And soon when it happened, that monster appears.......Yeah, believe it or not, that is the exact situation of my apartment since the first time I moved here months ago. You may say it is pathetic, pitiful, corny, or any phrases that comes across your mind, I won’t take any offense coz I just truly realize it at this very end of the year. Not, until this Christmas holiday after I got back from my ‘ostensible-vacation’.

Always been busy with every work and activities I have, still bringing my ‘hate-home’ habit here so been hangin out with my friends till late and just come back home (sometimes not) for a sleep. It goes like this along the year without I even ever think about it. But, this holiday really changes everything; it changed some of my point of views, changed how I look back into life, how I really take life as the most precious thing as it can be. Believe it or not, however, I always ask this silly yet pathetic question when I was a kid: “Why should I live? Why should we born into this earth, eating shit and finally died?!”

Oh and talking about looking back into life, so many things happened from last Christmas until today. Some of them beautiful, but mostly horrible; Yeah I mean not mostly, it’s only one actually, but I never know until this year that it feels like everything for me, no, I think I can just say it’s everything for me. I’ve been bringin this problem for more than I think five or six damn years without any ability to forget it. So, first of all I want to apologize for everyone including myself and another part of me that have been hurt because of it, less or much, shallow or deep. I know the pain won’t go away for the rest of life, so I will say my sorry as often as possible.

For persons that given everything they could to indulge my selfish ego; Wasting their time to alter themselves for me; Choking their nerves just to keep up with my pace. I just realize everything that I did has marked an unforgivable pain for them to bear. Maybe they always see me smiling and act like nothing happens, but deep down, there’s another me that wretched, screaming every apology, swearing to me that I won’t ever do something like that ever again. This pain won’t go away even for a little second in my life. It comes back soon when everything is quiet...Too afraid to just close my eyes, too scared to turn my laptop off, to put the music always on whenever I go. Don't dare to just stay awake if I don't tired enough to sleep....

Sorry 2008...
for every failure
for every mistake
for every pain
for every disappointment
for every tears
for every unreasonable thing that I made