Back at One

Just decided to start writing during my holiday break, inspired by my friend when I was spending a horrible yet meaningful holiday experience in Berlin.....thx Met, hehehehe

I was so upset about this weekend when I realize that there are things that out of our control. I planned so many things for next year but it suddenly ruined just like that with no mercy. Wuz also really pissed when I felt that it really beyond me and can do nothing about it. Hey, but that’s life rite?! Sometimes shit really happened and you just have to get it over. My past problems really teaches me how to swallow problems without asking many things, and believe me, I had some that really really worse than this.

That morning, I woke up in a different place in another city far away from my place; opened the lid of my Lappie as I usually do every morning. Checking whether she already home or not. I was surprised that she waited for me all night. We chatted a bit, convincing ourselves that we are going to make it. I still remember that she said to tell her soon after I know the news. So, I waved her a goodbye and promised that will tell her soon after I got the news. Packed my things up and grabbed my jacket. So I ready to go….ready to go to the judgment consign.

My friend accompanied me to show me the place where this story begun. We took the train and she showed me how to get back again to her place. I was so worried that time and many things ran across my mind. She kept convincing me to calm down, but yes, I still so worried. We finally arrived there and saw a line of people waiting in front of it. So, I prayed my last prayer and walked inside.

After waited for a long time and line, I finally got my chance to talk to that person. The face of that man seating behind the glass booth still so fresh in my mind. It is so funny that he brought me up and down during our conversation. I can still remember the last sentence he said and that bloody blue paper coldly thrust my heart whenever I see it these past few days. Sometimes I think it would be great if I can go inside my mind and erase it by myself. I headed up my head to the sky soon as I leave that place. Tried to convince myself that this is what things supposed to be. Talking to myself that He has a greater plan for me next year. The hazzle rain smashed my face and mixed with my tears that dropped unrealizable. I walked so slowly as if the sky is fallen down. I went through the tunnel and took my train back. “Yeah, maybe this is the way that You want. I just surrender everything and trust You completely,” I said to myself when I was sit helplessly inside the train.

I kept thinking about what just happened to me. That cloudy day still feels so blurry when I walked outside the train. Felt like struck by a thunder jolt and can’t even feel that it is real and just happened to me. I can’t think of anything else that whole day and kept blaming everything because of it. Whatever I talked that day, I kept talking about that. But, na ja, time will surely heal (as usual).

This time He really told me to bow down on my knees without asking why and how, it is how He really taught me to have no will against Him. Begun to hate many things but finally realize that just a childish act that I don't suppose to do. It really hurts a lot when she told me that she cried a little bit because of it, felt like I had broke my promise to make her always happy. So, I really try to surrender all and believe that there's another door that already opened for me when one's closed. Maybe, definitely maybe...

Thx for my friend that cheered me up these past days. Accompanied me to shop and eat wherever I like to make me feel better. I think I’m fine now, getting back to ground zero and start all over again. Now I'm laying sick in bed and still can't sleep as I usually do :p

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jer 29:11)