Bring me to life (part 1)

These past days I was really wondering what would my life be in the next few years. Honestly, its not my will to go here alone to this strangest place. However, as you grew up you just realize that your life is not fully yours and you cannot completely do what you want to do, will what you want to will. Sometimes, in my madness hours I start to feel of losing my self. I don't even feel that I am me anymore, going through what I don’t want to bear, doing something that I don’t really like.

As this semester passed, it made me realize several things in me. Firstly, I cannot go far away from some things whether I like it or not. Thinking back through this semester, I can even believe that I plainly offer myself back as a programmer and begin to code like hell every second counts, hugging laptops closer than a wife, really cant imagine that I can still code and actually did something useful for the project. Honestly, I am quite proud, despite of all lacks of sleep, and of course the first thing that I realize that its not me that did everything, I believe that it’s only His will that I still able to do them. I merely laughed when I remember back to the point I went here, try to escape from programming and go more to design stuffs, now its really obvious that He has a better plan for me.

Secondly, whether you like it or not, time sure flies. It is just a cruel fact of nature that is beyond our will and power. It feels like a blink of an eye for every single moment that happened in my life, from the first day I arrived here till now, for every single friends that comes and goes, for every sleepless night that I’ve been through. Yeah, it always feel shorter than you can imagine. Therefore, of course, regret always come in the end of everything.

Thirdly, as the words from the wise, “be what you want to be, do what you want to do, because you only have one dream and one life to do everything you like to do”. Make friend as much as you can, never hesitate for what’s worth. You never know unless you try, you never try unless you will. If I try to get to know my friend one semester earlier, we can double our memories and time spent together in this short nasty life. Now she already gone wherever she belongs and probably won’t see her again till another year or two. What a precious chance that I missed.

Next, as time flies freaking fast, your life also run freaking shorter each time it flew. Now I really feel much older, shorter breath, slower pace. Now it is only another year to the end of everything, to the beginning of the real world. I have to begin to think some ideas for my last semester work and of course get a freaking real job in this weird place. The more I realize about this, the more stressful I get. Of course, everyone always tell me not to worry, but it’s easy to say hard to do, day by day I get even worrier.

All these things keep haunting me till this week, the week when finally I can get out from everything and really gave myself a break. Eat a proper food, go places I never go, spent some quality time with my friends. I still have tons of things to bury myself in the hectic madness, but sure as I told myself, I deserve a break.

Few things that I still remember clearly are about how you perceive your future, your worries, and how can you handle it. I know in fact, we will never know about our future, you can go bankrupt next year, get promoted next month, broke up with your girlfriend in the next week, or in worst case you can simply die today or tomorrow. Thus, in the end, it leads to a conclusion that…worrying something that you don’t know is just a waste of energy isn’t it?! Again, easy to say, but hard to do…

Sorry 2008 (part 1)

This writing is dedicated to a great friend of mine that puts up with a severe personality syndrome. To all that is hurt, in pain, or broken hearted. To everyone that still struggling on this very new year. I decided to just use first person p.o.v to hinder it from any possible issues.

I can laugh, I can yell, I can switch all lights on to make my room the brightest it can be; I can scream, I can put my headphone and turn the pod the loudest it could….But when everything stops, when I turn them all off soon before I go to sleep…..Its only darkness and silence that still left, its only the cold winter air and the lose sleep of tomorrow that last....And soon when it happened, that monster appears.......Yeah, believe it or not, that is the exact situation of my apartment since the first time I moved here months ago. You may say it is pathetic, pitiful, corny, or any phrases that comes across your mind, I won’t take any offense coz I just truly realize it at this very end of the year. Not, until this Christmas holiday after I got back from my ‘ostensible-vacation’.

Always been busy with every work and activities I have, still bringing my ‘hate-home’ habit here so been hangin out with my friends till late and just come back home (sometimes not) for a sleep. It goes like this along the year without I even ever think about it. But, this holiday really changes everything; it changed some of my point of views, changed how I look back into life, how I really take life as the most precious thing as it can be. Believe it or not, however, I always ask this silly yet pathetic question when I was a kid: “Why should I live? Why should we born into this earth, eating shit and finally died?!”

Oh and talking about looking back into life, so many things happened from last Christmas until today. Some of them beautiful, but mostly horrible; Yeah I mean not mostly, it’s only one actually, but I never know until this year that it feels like everything for me, no, I think I can just say it’s everything for me. I’ve been bringin this problem for more than I think five or six damn years without any ability to forget it. So, first of all I want to apologize for everyone including myself and another part of me that have been hurt because of it, less or much, shallow or deep. I know the pain won’t go away for the rest of life, so I will say my sorry as often as possible.

For persons that given everything they could to indulge my selfish ego; Wasting their time to alter themselves for me; Choking their nerves just to keep up with my pace. I just realize everything that I did has marked an unforgivable pain for them to bear. Maybe they always see me smiling and act like nothing happens, but deep down, there’s another me that wretched, screaming every apology, swearing to me that I won’t ever do something like that ever again. This pain won’t go away even for a little second in my life. It comes back soon when everything is quiet...Too afraid to just close my eyes, too scared to turn my laptop off, to put the music always on whenever I go. Don't dare to just stay awake if I don't tired enough to sleep....

Sorry 2008...
for every failure
for every mistake
for every pain
for every disappointment
for every tears
for every unreasonable thing that I made

Sorry 2008 (part 2)

I can still remember when I was searching for a gift for my bestest friend last Christmas. We were just having our bad time because of our love lives that are really sucks and cheering each other up again. Yeah, thats why I will never trust human from that time, ever again. I usually hate Christmas and new year, especially when it comes to the end of the year...Here in our world, it really feels lonely, stupid, lonely, meaningful, and lonely. But that December that year really give me a new meaning that I have until this December. It is like its invisible seal that covers it finally opens (or it really does that year, I'm not sure), bringin a new meaning of 'end of the year' for me. Anyway, she really loved that thing and always showing me that she really does, every time we went some place. (I don't really feels like to describe the thing specifically, cause believe me, you won't even able to imagine it, it never exist in human world, till this moment hopefully) So, I think I shud give that as a gift and decided to give that as Christmas present. Silly that we’ve never talked so much since the last time we really talked. It really feels too strange to just talk like normal people does. Maybe we feel we can read each other mind’s so maybe that’s why we never talk so much if there aren’t any people around. But, the atmosphere on that time really bringing something that we never know it will ever exist. The beast that has been sleeping since long time ago.

I think it is since that moment, we begin to start talking openly about everything. We haven’t talked like that for I think since the first time we know each other. Especially on the point when we felt that it is awkward to just do how human usually communicate. Sharing secrets, tips, and we even talk about our human's problem, a thing that we don't suppose to tell each other. We feel that we still care about each other so much by no means of asking each other’s feeling or something like that. After all, we just understand that we can’t live fully without having each other's world. Additionally, I deny that and convinced that it is because of our friendship, not more. I always commit that to my memory and keep telling her not to forget about that. Unnoticeably, maybe that was the hardest time for her whenever she was beside me. I never realize that she even still feels that after a while, or maybe I realized that but keep denying.

As moments flutter, she finally has to left to a place where I will never find her again, back to her place where she can show her real form without have to pretend, and it really broke my heart before knowing that there's a big chance that we will never see each other again. She said it was the best for her to fly far away from our world. She also said that she did that because of her human. I didn't know what does that means before. I was thinking maybe because they have to find another place for them for a better living or something. I didn't even realize that it is to awaken the beast. Ow, I forgot to tell you that we made a promise to find a way to awaken the beast and tell each other how to do it if one of us already knows how to. But that time she told me explicitly, so I kinda didn't sure 'bout it.

That moment, I really felt like the world is coming to an end. Maybe she also did feel that. It just way too taboo to talk while we were still in human world. It was something that suddenly taken away from you, but that's life, you just have to endure. It gets harder soon when she left, feels the same like losing parts of my amulets scattered in a different places. She never told me why and how, just suddenly leave everything behind like that....Soon before she left she promised me something that I would never imagine could came from her lips. So, I really have the call to go half a world away collecting my scattered pieces.

Long story short, one by one I hunted them, step by step I took the pain, pieces by pieces I spilled my blood and shed the tears away. I find it so hilarious when we see our life back again. It feels like it was blown away with winds, yeah the winds of life I guess. Through this year I really learn an important lesson, that, time past so quickly without you even realize that you always going forward. No turning point, like we promised. There’s no such a thing like – “If you can turn back time, what would you like to change?” Life is too short to be regretted, too short to give away your hapiness for someone else that even doen't appreciate it as much as you do. Yet, you just have to move forward and enjoy every scene in your life, good or bad. Yeah, that what I do soon after I realize that all those things I told you before never existed. They are all just me, me, and something inside me.

a Lil Thing Called Love

dedicated to someone that introduced me to the most wonderful thing ever happened in my life

Cinta datang ketika kau merasa kau tidak membutuhkannya dan akan pergi ketika kau mencintai seseorang karena kebutuhan.

Cinta yang tulus adalah ketika kau dapat berkata:”Aku turut berbahagia”; saat melihatnya bahagia walau bukan denganmu. Sedih dan tak rela ketika kau melihatnya putus asa karena kecewa.

Mencintai seseorang tidaklah berarti kau harus bersamanya, namun tetap mendoakannya disaat kau jauh darinya.

Ketika kita bertemu orang yang tepat untuk dicintai, Ketika kita berada di tempat yang tepat pada saat yang tepat, itulah kesempatan. Ketika kita bertemu dengan seseorang yang membuatmu tertarik, itu bukan pilihan, itu kesempatan. Bertemu dalam suatu peristiwa bukanlah pilihan, itupun adalah kesempatan.

Bila kita memutuskan untuk mencintai seseorang, bahkan dengan segala kekurangannya, itu bukan kesempatan, itu adalah pilihan. Ketika kita memilih bersama dengan seseorang walaupun apapun yang terjadi, itu adalah pilihan. Bahkan ketika kita menyadari bahwa masih banyak orang lain Yang lebih menarik, lebih pandai, lebih kaya daripada pasanganmu dan tetap memilih untuk mencintainya, itulah pilihan.

Mungkin Tuhan menginginkan kita bertemu dengan beberapa orang yang salah sebelum kita bertemu dengan orang yang tepat, kita harus mengerti bagaimana kita dipersiapkan dan berterima kasih atas itu daripada terus menerus menyalahkan.

Cinta datang kepada orang yang masih mempunyai harapan walaupun mereka telah dikecewakan,kepada mereka yang masih percaya,walaupun mereka telah dikhianati, kepada mereka yang masih ingin dicintai,walaupun mereka telah disakiti sebelumnya, dan kepada mereka yang mempunyai keberanian dan keyakinan untuk membangunkan kembali kepercayaan.

Jangan sesekali mengucapkan selamat tinggal jika kamu masih mau mencoba.Jangan sesekali menyerah jika kamu masih merasa sanggup.Jangan sesekali mengatakan kamu tidak mencintainya lagi jika kamu masih tidak dapat melupakannya.

taken from my previous post a month ago and this time I just simply use Bahasa coz it feels more meaningful in it

sittin, waitin, wishin

My luvely room on Christmas Eve

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

Rocky Balboa
Speaking to his son in Rocky Balboa (2006)

I just woke up today and woken up by the call as usual, do things that I usually do every time I open my eyes. So much stuff inside my head that I still can't get rid any of it since last night. Talked with many friends and wise guys that I haven't been in touch since many times, kinda weird that they just suddenly popped out of the blue. Told things that is really in the opposite way of what I accept as truth, been in a trash talk, and worried so much about my her feeling so bad. I often feel a fool because of my insensitivity and foolishness. Not been able to realize things that I suppose to realize ahead. Sometimes it feels that I just want to finish this year asap and start it all over again.

Really makes me stunned over some minutes to say a promise that I shouldn’t ever broke. But, it is for the good, so I thought I just give it up for the better. Some reminded me not to say something that you can’t fulfill and will make a disappointment, some said that I should still open myself for every possibilities, some this, some that….I think I just gonna freaked out

Yeah it sucks, really sucks, still having a work to do on Christmas Eve, watching downloaded movies and eating another frozen food, too much to think about, and so worried about many things. So, here I am, laying in my bed writing this crap alone, thx God I still have so many things to be thankful.

Haih, come on Lyx….I hope everything gonna be better soon after she wake up. It feels agony when I know that I open another wound again. A wound that I suppose to heal but it gets into the water again. Maybe it is just a small matter, but I can feel that it is only just the beginning. Yeah, all they said is true; it’s still far away from oath. It is just me that is over confident. Tomorrow will be better than today and I wish us that we can make it through the year.

So, I think I have to start preparing myself for His birthday on midnight. Trying to cheer my self up again...^^ Happy Birthday J, Happy Christmas all

Back at One

Just decided to start writing during my holiday break, inspired by my friend when I was spending a horrible yet meaningful holiday experience in Berlin.....thx Met, hehehehe

I was so upset about this weekend when I realize that there are things that out of our control. I planned so many things for next year but it suddenly ruined just like that with no mercy. Wuz also really pissed when I felt that it really beyond me and can do nothing about it. Hey, but that’s life rite?! Sometimes shit really happened and you just have to get it over. My past problems really teaches me how to swallow problems without asking many things, and believe me, I had some that really really worse than this.

That morning, I woke up in a different place in another city far away from my place; opened the lid of my Lappie as I usually do every morning. Checking whether she already home or not. I was surprised that she waited for me all night. We chatted a bit, convincing ourselves that we are going to make it. I still remember that she said to tell her soon after I know the news. So, I waved her a goodbye and promised that will tell her soon after I got the news. Packed my things up and grabbed my jacket. So I ready to go….ready to go to the judgment consign.

My friend accompanied me to show me the place where this story begun. We took the train and she showed me how to get back again to her place. I was so worried that time and many things ran across my mind. She kept convincing me to calm down, but yes, I still so worried. We finally arrived there and saw a line of people waiting in front of it. So, I prayed my last prayer and walked inside.

After waited for a long time and line, I finally got my chance to talk to that person. The face of that man seating behind the glass booth still so fresh in my mind. It is so funny that he brought me up and down during our conversation. I can still remember the last sentence he said and that bloody blue paper coldly thrust my heart whenever I see it these past few days. Sometimes I think it would be great if I can go inside my mind and erase it by myself. I headed up my head to the sky soon as I leave that place. Tried to convince myself that this is what things supposed to be. Talking to myself that He has a greater plan for me next year. The hazzle rain smashed my face and mixed with my tears that dropped unrealizable. I walked so slowly as if the sky is fallen down. I went through the tunnel and took my train back. “Yeah, maybe this is the way that You want. I just surrender everything and trust You completely,” I said to myself when I was sit helplessly inside the train.

I kept thinking about what just happened to me. That cloudy day still feels so blurry when I walked outside the train. Felt like struck by a thunder jolt and can’t even feel that it is real and just happened to me. I can’t think of anything else that whole day and kept blaming everything because of it. Whatever I talked that day, I kept talking about that. But, na ja, time will surely heal (as usual).

This time He really told me to bow down on my knees without asking why and how, it is how He really taught me to have no will against Him. Begun to hate many things but finally realize that just a childish act that I don't suppose to do. It really hurts a lot when she told me that she cried a little bit because of it, felt like I had broke my promise to make her always happy. So, I really try to surrender all and believe that there's another door that already opened for me when one's closed. Maybe, definitely maybe...

Thx for my friend that cheered me up these past days. Accompanied me to shop and eat wherever I like to make me feel better. I think I’m fine now, getting back to ground zero and start all over again. Now I'm laying sick in bed and still can't sleep as I usually do :p

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jer 29:11)